Losing half of myself

It's been 11 months since the surgery.  I have lost nearly 160 pounds so far.  Almost half of my initial body weight.  I still feel great.  My self-esteem has increased tremendously, I feel a whole lot more comfortable in my body, I am more physically active and enjoy it.  The only down side so far is that have low blood pressure (around 90-something over 60-something) and I realized yesterday that I might have bradycardia (low heart beat, as in 40-something pulse).  I'm a bit worried about that from what I read over the internet (never a good idea if you ask me).  Anyway, I have to go see my surgeon for my one year follow-up appointment and I'm due for my annual check-up with my GP so I'll probably konw more in a few weeks.  Hopefully, there's not too much to worry about and my BP and heart rate will improve once my weight stabilizes.  I'm still losing weight, around 8 pounds a month, and I'm now starting to hope that it will stop or at least decrease soon.  I like the way I look and feel now and would be very comfortable staying at this weight (170 lbs).  I have sagging skin on my arms, thighs, belly, butt and don't even get me started on my breasts...  But if you ask me, that's a very small price to pay compared to how better I generally feel mentally and physically. 

Eating is very easy because I can eat anything I want, I just can't eat a lot at a time but I can eat to my satisfaction.  I'd like to say that it's hard but it's not.  It's not because I'm still losing weight while eating what I want.  A dream come true.  I guess I must be doing something right...  I do eat lots of fruits and veggies and proteins but only because those are the foods I crave the most.  I eat chips and desserts and chocolate but just a little bit at a time otherwise I know I'll feel sick because of the dumping syndrome, which I love/hate.  Hate is because of how awful I feel when I dump and love is because of how it helped me to control my eating.

So that's the news for now. 

Until next time!

Letting go

One surprising effect of the gastric bypass surgery I had nearly 9 months ago is the fact that through the imposed restrictions, I enjoy a newfound freedom.  You see, after you have this type of surgery, your stomach is very significantly reduced to restrict the amount of food you can ingest, thus leading to weight loss.  This has been the case for me.  The surgery is working extremelly well for me so far.  But before the surgery, I thought it would be hard to not eat as much as I'd want or not eat what I'd like and it sometimes is.  However, in my case, there's a bit of a catch in the sense that the surgery kind of works despite me.  I'll admit that I eat mostly well.  I've always had a very varied diet but a very strong preference for very rich, fatty foods and lots of it.  Now, with the surgery, I can't eat lots of it even though I sometimes intend to.  And with the dumping syndrome that comes with the gastric bypass surgery, my tastes are changing, and I don't enjoy and like the same rich and fatty foods anymore because they tend to make me feel queasy. 

The consequence of all of this is that more often than not, sticking to "how much and what I'm supposed to eat" is not that hard.  So the surgery allowed me to stop constantly worrying about what and how much I should be eating because I pretty much eat what and how much I want whenever I feel like it and I'm still losing weight.  So I'm guessing that I must be doing something right.  I should mention that I also exercise everyday by talking a 30 minutes walk with my dog.  But still, I've finally been able to let go of the conscious and mental control of my eating to focus on eating how much I need and what I want.  You have no idea how liberating this feels.  I still have worries about eating the wrong stuff and/or too much of it and I'm guessing that time will make it better although I don't think it'll ever go away completely.  However, I can feel my troubled eating days being further and further behind me and it feels amazing!!

Stuck between reality and a fat place a.k.a. thinking fat

So as you know if you've read my previous posts or the stats I provide on this blog, I lost a great deal of weight through gastric bypass surgery, more than 130 lbs to be precise.  I'm very happy to say that for the first time since I can remember, I now weigh less than 200 pounds - yeah me!!!  The thing is, even though my body is very different, I still think like the very fat person I was before the surgery.  And let me explain what I mean.  It's like most of the limitations that I had before because of my weight are now gone.  I can climb stairs, run, walk fast and/or for long periods of time, fit my ass into every armchair I come accross, bend to tie my shoes, cross my legs, give myself pedicures and the list goes on and on and on and on...  BUT, in my head, I'm still in a very "fat place", which means that often, I notice that I will react as if I'm still over 330 lbs, especially when faced with something that would have been challenging or even impossible because of my weight.  Which made me realize the full extent of the limitations I had to live with at my highest weight.  I never noticed them until they were long gone, and I'm still noticing new ones everyday.  But going back to what I was saying, I feel like I'm stuck between reality and a very fat place because I haven't yet realized that I'm no longer limited by my weight.  For example, when I go shopping, it took me a long time before I realized that I no longer needed to shop in the plus size section and can now fit in regular sizes from head to toe.  Hey, I even have to go down from XL to L and I'm thinking probably M now when I buy tops.  Can you imagine!!!  Before, sizes 3XL and 24-26 were becoming too tight...  What a change!  But my mind is not keeping up with my body's changes.  Another example would be with physical activity.  My BF and I recently went to NYC for Easter week-end.  I took us little to no time at all to realize that the best way to discover NY is by walking.  And upon coming to this realization, I could feel the dread of having to walk long distances or for sustained periods of time overcoming me.  But guess what?  I had the stamina to keep up with my relatively fit and not-obese-but-slightly-overweight BF.  More than that, he was the one who couldn't keep up with me!!!  I outwalked him.  Hey, I outwalked someone!!!  Now that's a first!!!  Literally.  Never happened before, in my life, like ever-ever.  Very awsome!  But this is quite a change from before when I was basically emprisoned in my body and had to avoid a plethora of places/situations/activities in order to dodge potential humiliation.  I do think that my mind is catching up slowly but it is definitely not up-to-date with my body, which means that I will still have avoidance reactions to certain things.  But now, when I catch myself having this type of reaction, I can overcome my initial reaction and engage in what ever was causing me to have this knee-jerk avoidance reaction because most likely, I'll be able to do/go what was impossible less than 8 months ago.

Catch me if you can

Yesterday, I felt lousy, as in apathetic, down, stressed, demotivated, tired, and a bit sad.  I was supposed to work on my thesis - my first submitted article got rejected and this really bummed me hard - but instead, I surfed on the web all day, looking at the post-Oscars coverage, mostly the dresses, going on Facebook, basically wasting the whole day on nothing.  I know that my feeling bad was at least in part caused by what I did, or rather what I didn't do, during the day.  So why did I waste my time instead of focusing on my work, which usually makes me feel good by the end of the day?  Because when I work on my thesis, it's hard and it confronts me to feelings of incompetence and of being an impostor.  Anybody ever heard of the impostor syndrome?  That's basically how I feel most of the time.  The thing is, even though I feel lousy while I'm working, at the end of the day, I feel good because I did what I was supposed to do and I made some progress, no matter how small it may be.  I think this may have to do something with a delayed gratification thing.  Point is, I felt lousy yesterday and what do I do when I feel lousy?  I tend to...  (drum roll please) EAT!!!  I don't go on binges anymore but I do eat even if I'm not hungry.  And since the surgery, I noticed a very clear pattern of eating more and for other reasons than hunger when I feel lousy.  I think it's good that I'm seeing this pattern more clearly now but I also think that I need to address the more deeply rooted issue of why I feel lousy and why I feel like a fraud.  I bought this book, The Procrastination Equation by Piers Steel, it's the next book on my list.  I hope it's going to help me, I'll keep you posted.  Meanwhile, I'm doing to resort to doing what has worked for me in the past, that is setting very specific and short-time goals, with clear deadlines from my advisor and hope for the best.

Alright, still

So it's now been six months since I had my gastric bypass surgery.  Still elated, ecstatic, etc. about having had the surgery and the incredible results.  As you may have seen already, I am now down 113 pounds give or take and I would go as far as to say that I'm feeling better than I ever have in my life.  I have more energy, more drive, I love the way I look and feel, I'm way more active, I actually take pleasure in things that used to feel more like chores (for example, talking long walks with my dog).  Don't get me wrong, my life is far from perfect, I still have ups and downs but the downs aren't as frequent or low as before and the ups seem to come by more and more often, which is great.  Of course, it helps that I have an incredibly supportive entourage.  My boyfriend is super encouraging and he keeps telling me how beautiful I look, how proud he is of me, how happy he is to see me so upbeat and happy.  My friends and family keep telling me how great I look and even colleagues and acquaintances have commented on how great I seem to be doing.  I must say that I feel a whole lot more confident than I used to before and I think this emanates from my smile and attitude.

I still struggle with food issues (i.e. eating as a way to soothe or distract myself from unpleasant feelings) but I think that slowly but surely, I'm learning to cope in other, more adapted, ways.  I know that this surgery is only a tool and that it depends on me to make the most of it.  So I do need to work on my food issues, which I don't do enough because the weight keeps going down despite some excesses on my part.  I realize that this is not good and that I need to put a more focused effort in dealing with my addiction to food.  I really don't want to see the weight coming back in a couple of years.  But I also think that I need to give myself a break because it's only been six months and I'm still adapting to this new way of eating.  By the way, I can literally eat anything I want and I don't really feel restricted even though I eat a lot less since I'm still eating until I'm "full".  I won't stuff myself like I used to, that is to say that I'll stop eating way before I feel stuffed, but I still eat enough to feel satisfied as in not hungry anymore.  The hunger probably comes back sooner than before since I eat less.  My tastes are also continuing to change.  Like earlier, I had a craving (yes, a craving, I wasn't hungry) for something sweet.  So I ate 4 pieces of chocolate.  And you know what?  I actually didn't enjoy the chocolate and should have stopped after I ate the first two pieces but I still ate the other two pieces (this is what I mean when I mentioned my issues with food - eating when not really hungry and continuing to eat even though I don't really feel like it).  Still, before the surgery, I would have eaten a lot more than 4 pieces of chocolate (at least one bar, probably two and maybe more) and I would most likely would have greatly enjoyed eating it/them.  So now, I find myself often craving fruits or veggies or meat, which are basically the foods that I should be eating.  And since eating something to fatty and/or to sugary (but mostly something fatty AND sugary) makes me feel sick (i.e. tired and nauseated), I'm craving those types of food less and less.  So the only foods that I don't eat anymore are foods that tend to make me feel sick.  Otherwise, I can eat bread, pasta, rice, raw and cooked veggies, fruits, meats, fish, etc.  So far, I haven't found a food that won't pass.

And to finish, here are a few things that I can do now and that I couldn't do before:

Fit my ass into armchairs
Sit with my legs crossed
Give myself a pedicure
Walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath
Walk at a fast pace
Jump around
Run
Stand for long periods of time
Shop in regular stores and buy regular size clothes
Wear heels
Buckle the seat belt on airplanes
Fit in the seat on airplanes
Wear skirts or dresses without chafing my inner thighs to death from them rubbing against one another

Nearly 5 months in

Soon, I'll be reaching 5 months post-op.  I know this may be redundant but I am still elated to have had the surgery and with the results.  I can basically eat anything I want but only a little of anything, which I'm fine with.  I have a lot more energy than before and I'm more physically active also.  The thing is I want and I like to do physical activities now.  I'm a lot less self-conscious and I now shop in the "regular stores", i.e. I no longer need to shop in plus-size stores or departments.  Maybe only for pants and jeans.  I went from being tight in a size 26 to fitting in size 18 for pants and jeans and extra-large and large for tops.  People keep telling me how much I changed/lost weight/look good/radiant/confident, etc.  And truly, I feel amazing!!  I started to read this wonderful book:Obesity Surgery: Stories of altered lives by Marta Meana and Lindsey Ricciardi to help me cope with the aftermath of the surgery.  Because let's not kid ourselves, everything changes after the surgery.  From how you look and feel to your coping mechanisms, your relationships (family, friends, romantic), your relation to your body, how you feel in your body and I could go on for hours.  You need to learn to cope with all of that.  Hey, I think I even saw a couple of guys checking me out in the last few weeks.  Now that is something totally new to me.  Before, I felt invisible in some ways (maybe it was one of the reasons why I was taking up so much physical space).  Now, I feel alive and more confident and I think I'm emanating some of that.

I no longer have to worry about fitting in chairs with arms, or that the airplane seat belt will fit, or that I'll have to climb stairs or a small hill and be out of breath and sweating profusely, I can bend in all sort of ways that I couldn't before (to tie my shoes, to give myself a pedicure, etc.). 

So, to sum it up, I feel great, I'm doing great and I'm incredibly happy!

Update - 3 months post-op

I'm now past the 3 months post-op period.  I'm still thrilled, elated that I had the surgery.  So far, I have lost over 77 pounds in three months.  Wow!  I never dared to hope that I would lose so much so fast.  It's not always easy, some days are better than others but overall, it's way easier than when I was trying to lose weight on my own.  Like sometimes, I have every intention of splurging on what I consider comfort food (pasta for example) but after a few bites, I'm done, over it, satisfied, satiated, what ever you want to call it.  If you read the previous posts, you know that I had to go back to a mostly liquid diet for two weeks because I most likely had inflammation in my tiny stomach.  The liquid diet was successful because I restarted to eat normally about three weeks ago and so far, I'm totally fine.  I had mild episodes of feeling stuck but only when I ate too fast.  So M's advice really helped.  As for what I can and can't eat, I would say that there's nothing that I can't eat.  There are things that are harder but for now, I didn't have to cut anything out.  Lucky me I guess!  I think my tastes are evolving though.  For example, breakfast is the hardest meal for me because I don't like eating anything sweet in the morning.  My usual go-to breakfast would involve egg, ham and cheese.  Oh, and orange juice, I need fruit juice in the morning.  But that's all in the past because the combination of those ingredients makes me feel nauseous.  So I'm still looking for a satisfying breakfast.  Lunch and dinner, I pretty much eat the same thing that my BF is eating but often, I'm cutting out the carb be it potatoes, pasta, rice, etc. because I know I have to focus on proteins and vegetables.  Besides, I'm mostly craving meat and veggies at night so it's not really a big deal or sacrifice for me.

As for exercise, I'm still keeping my 30-minutes walk with my dog nearly daily routine.  I did register for a ballet class starting in January and I want to take a karate or pilates class as well and I plan on keeping my daily walks habit.  But I slipped on ice and fell on my knee today and it hurts so I might have to take a few days off.  But overall, given that I have a lot more energy and I feel a lot more light on my feet, I also feel more motivated to move and I'm actually enjoying it.

Finally, the psychological aspects of the aftermath of the surgery...  Well, my go-to fix or my preferred coping strategy (i.e. eating until I feel uncomfortably bloated and/or until I'm soothed) is no longer available so I have to find other ways to cope.  I talked about this in a previous post.  Before, I would avoid unpleasant or distressing emotions/feelings.  Now, I think I'm feeling them more and I'm trying to learn to tolerate the discomfort.  And when I need to ventilate, I go for a walk, I talk, I write, etc.  I try to do something to make myself feel good or to change my train of thoughts.  But something is for sure, you need to find another outlet since you can't eat your way out of feeling bad anymore.