Update - 3 months post-op

I'm now past the 3 months post-op period.  I'm still thrilled, elated that I had the surgery.  So far, I have lost over 77 pounds in three months.  Wow!  I never dared to hope that I would lose so much so fast.  It's not always easy, some days are better than others but overall, it's way easier than when I was trying to lose weight on my own.  Like sometimes, I have every intention of splurging on what I consider comfort food (pasta for example) but after a few bites, I'm done, over it, satisfied, satiated, what ever you want to call it.  If you read the previous posts, you know that I had to go back to a mostly liquid diet for two weeks because I most likely had inflammation in my tiny stomach.  The liquid diet was successful because I restarted to eat normally about three weeks ago and so far, I'm totally fine.  I had mild episodes of feeling stuck but only when I ate too fast.  So M's advice really helped.  As for what I can and can't eat, I would say that there's nothing that I can't eat.  There are things that are harder but for now, I didn't have to cut anything out.  Lucky me I guess!  I think my tastes are evolving though.  For example, breakfast is the hardest meal for me because I don't like eating anything sweet in the morning.  My usual go-to breakfast would involve egg, ham and cheese.  Oh, and orange juice, I need fruit juice in the morning.  But that's all in the past because the combination of those ingredients makes me feel nauseous.  So I'm still looking for a satisfying breakfast.  Lunch and dinner, I pretty much eat the same thing that my BF is eating but often, I'm cutting out the carb be it potatoes, pasta, rice, etc. because I know I have to focus on proteins and vegetables.  Besides, I'm mostly craving meat and veggies at night so it's not really a big deal or sacrifice for me.

As for exercise, I'm still keeping my 30-minutes walk with my dog nearly daily routine.  I did register for a ballet class starting in January and I want to take a karate or pilates class as well and I plan on keeping my daily walks habit.  But I slipped on ice and fell on my knee today and it hurts so I might have to take a few days off.  But overall, given that I have a lot more energy and I feel a lot more light on my feet, I also feel more motivated to move and I'm actually enjoying it.

Finally, the psychological aspects of the aftermath of the surgery...  Well, my go-to fix or my preferred coping strategy (i.e. eating until I feel uncomfortably bloated and/or until I'm soothed) is no longer available so I have to find other ways to cope.  I talked about this in a previous post.  Before, I would avoid unpleasant or distressing emotions/feelings.  Now, I think I'm feeling them more and I'm trying to learn to tolerate the discomfort.  And when I need to ventilate, I go for a walk, I talk, I write, etc.  I try to do something to make myself feel good or to change my train of thoughts.  But something is for sure, you need to find another outlet since you can't eat your way out of feeling bad anymore.

The Fear

Maybe it's just me but once in a while (i.e. when I think about it), I get this fear that the surgery won't work for me.  That I'll end up just as big and miserable as I was before.  Is it just me?

Darn yet hurray!!

So I'm back on a diet liquid.  It started last Tuesday night (so 9 days ago) and I have to go until Monday (so I have 5 days left).  It's not fun but not as bad as the first time around because I'm not abiding to the liquid rule too strictly.  The purpose of me going back on this liquid diet is basically to give my stomach a rest and help decrease the inflammation.  It seems to work although this morning, I tried to eat scrambled eggs and it didn't suit very well with me.  Maybe eggs are part of the problem.  We'll have to wait and see.  But I'm 2 for 2 in the getting stuck department the last times I tried to eat eggs.  The scientist in me thinks it's not a sufficiently large sample to be really significant but I'm still seeing a trend and I'll pay attention.  So to that effect, my BF convinced me to keep a food diary.  I'm actually keeping two: one for when I get stuck and one for everything I eat and drink.  Otherwise, I'm still feeling great, even elated with myself, my life, my progress, my surgery, my weight loss, my body, etc.  Which brings me to the second thing I wanted to share here today.

Yesterday was a hard day.  Hard in the sense that I felt hungry and was craving all sorts of junk food all day.  And I caved.  I had three small candy bars.  You know, the small bite-size ones that we give out at Halloween.  I had two snickers and one Crispy Crunch.  I also had chips, again, the small container of Pringles (21 grams) that we give out at Halloween.  110 calories so not that bad.  But usually, I would feel guilty because this would feel like cheating.  And to be honest, I did feel a bit guilty but then I said to myself: To Hell with it.  Today, I'm craving these things and I'm going to eat them but given that in the past week-week and a half, I haven't craved these things,  I probably won't have the same cravings in the next few days and it's ok to give into them once in a while when I have them.  And the end result of this was that I felt at peace, relieved and proud of myself for being reasonable and not giving in to the panic, guilt, shame and blame that I would have usually felt before.  Dare I say that this is progress?

Oh. My. God.

So apparently, I could have a mild case of stomal stenosis or at least inflammation in my new small stomach or gastric pouch.  Earlier today, I called M., my surgeon's amazing secretary, because most often than not, when I eat, I feel like the food gets stuck and I eventually end up throwing up mucus because my body is secreting extra amount of saliva and mucus to try and help the food pass.  Since it's been happening more and more often, I decided to call her just to see if it was normal, and if not, what I should do.  To my utter surprise, she tells me that I should go back on a liquid diet for two weeks.  And here I was thinking that I was done with the liquid diet.  Oh well, my bad I guess.  I'm choosing to take this set back with humor and positivism - at least I'll be losing even more weight by going back on the liquid diet + I really think I'm lucky if that's the only complication I have.  To me, this is really a minor set back and I'm quite optimistic that the problem will go away with the two weeks liquid diet.

UPDATE:  After reading several personal account from people having had stomal stenosis, I'm pretty sure this is not what I have because the symptoms they're describing are really more severe than what I'm experiencing.  My own personal diagnosis: inflammation.  We'll see I guess.

Hiccups

This week has been a little bit harder.  First of all, I had trouble eating as I often felt "stuck" when I ate.  And second of all, I had cravings, to which I succumbed, for chips and chocolate.  I got mild dumping symptoms but nothing too bad or aversive, which scares me because I was hoping that I would dump if I strayed too much from what I should be eating and that would help me stay in line.  Oh well!  I guess I'll really have to deal with my food issues because I know for sure that I'm not craving or eating those things because of real hunger.  They're serving another purpose, avoiding, soothing?  I'm not sure but if dumping won't make me stay in line, I'll need to figure out what's going on and learn to deal with it in a different way.  I know taking a walk does help and a few weeks ago, I remember craving comfort food (mac 'n cheese would have been lovely that night coming home after a hard session with a client) but since I thought I couldn't have it, I started to really want to go and take a long walk.  So that's one thing I can fall back on.  But still, I can't just learn to cope with the aftermath of whatever's going on.  I want to understand what is making me feel like that.  Hey, I'm a Psychologist and I wouldn't be a very good one if I didn't want to go THERE...  To be continued!

Moving on...  I'm going to sign up for ballet classes.  For as long as I can remember, I've always been in awe of ballerinas.  I love their tutus and their gracefulness.  Watching So you think you can dance, this amazement has expanded to dancers in general.  I truly admire their dedication, their passion and their strenght and flexibility.  I'm also envious and bewildered about their innate ability to really BE in their body and to express themselves so clearly through it.  I want that and I'm going to try and get it.  I'm thinking about some kind of martial arts classes too.  Don't know which one yet, I'll have to look into that.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

How have things changed since my surgery?  In many-many ways.  There are things that I can now do and that I wasn't able to do anymore and there are things that have gone away.  I'm barely two months in and more than 50 pounds lighter and I already see a huge difference in all sorts of things.  For example:

I can cross my legs while sitting.
I can walk up a few flights of stairs and not be totally out of breath.
I'm able to move without sweating profusely.
I can walk at a moderately fast pace without exerting myself and I can walk for an hour straight.
I can cut and paint my toe nails.
I can fit in to armchairs.
I can bend down to tie my shoes without almost choking and without dripping with sweat.
I can wear a skirt and not have my thighs rub against one another so aggressively that they become very irritated almost immediately.
I can buy clothes that fit.
I have enough energy to make it through the day.
I don't have to take medication for acid reflux anymore because it's gone!
I don't get constant headaches.
I have a lot less aches and pains in general.
My energy level and motivation are way up.
I can sleep better (the snoring has gone down).
I actually enjoy taking long walks with my dog.  I'm looking forward to it!
I don't sweat as much for no apparent reason.

And I could go on and on and on.  The point is, and I know I'm repeating myself, I'm absolutely thrilled I had the surgery because in the little time since the surgery and with only about 25% of my excess weight gone, I feel so much better.  I feel better in general, both mentally and physically but I also feel a lot better about myself.  I don't cringe when I look at myself in the mirror or when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window or whatnot.  Before, I felt like a circus freak, now, I feel like myself.

Second post-op appointment

I went to my second post-op follow-up appointment with my surgeon yesterday.  It was a very short appointment as I think the good doc was tired from operating all night and already late in his schedule at 10:15 am.  They weighed me and I'm now down 53 pounds to 277 pounds (me very happy) and I saw the doctor for 10 minutes max, which was ok since I only had a few questions and everything is fine.  I wanted to know if it was normal to feel like food gets stuck in my oesophagus from time to time and if my weight loss was on track.  As for feeling like food get stuck, he says it's normal to get that feeling for the first six months and they don't really know why this happens - maybe inflammation but he didn't seem sure.  Anyway, after six months, this inconvenient should completely disappear.  As for my weight loss, he says that I'm a bit in advance to what can be expected (yeah baby!).  So basically, I should keep doing what I'm doing.  It's expected that I can't eat enough protein although I should still be watchful and the more exercise I do, the better, I can't really do too much.  I'm currently walking 30 minutes almost every day with my dog.  I'm realizing that I really enjoy these walks.  Like last night, I was driving home after having seen two clients and I was feeling kind of moody because one of the client was more difficult (I'm a Psychologist) + I'm PMS-ing.  So I got home still feeling a bit blue and, before, I would have found comfort in food, oh and was I craving comfort food.  But I knew that I most likely wouldn't be able to find my usual comfort in eating given the restrictions imposed by the surgery.  So I started to long for a walk.  I really wanted to go for a long walk when I got home but figured that I wouldn't have the time.  Anyway, long story short, I went for a short walk with the doggy and really appreciated it like I never did before.  Having to quit food as my go-to fix is making me find other ways to cope with my emotions and feelings, which is just awesome!!! 

I'm so insanely happy that I got this surgery, you have no idea!!

The new improved (but still neurotic) me

Yesterday, I realized that I feel much better since the surgery.  And I don't just mean physically although I would be lying if I didn't admit that six weeks post-op, I'm already feeling much more comfortable physically.  I noticed that my mood is better, so is my motivation, my energy level and my general attitude.  I don't really know if it's a placebo effect or what and to be honest, I don't really care because the end result is that I'm so much more happy this way than I was before, that I'm just hoping that this shall we say euphoria lasts a loooooooooooooong time!

I also wanted to talk about what's been going through my mind these past few weeks.  I know it's going to sound a bit paradoxical but it's true nonetheless.  I'm noticing more and more that I'm losing weight be it by touching myself and feeling that my body is different, trying on clothes that are now too big or trying on clothes that were too small and now fitting into them, looking at myself in the mirror, being able to bend in ways that I couldn't anymore, or simply crossing my legs while sitting.  But at the same time, I'm obsessing about not losing enough weight.  Like the other day, we were at my BF's sister's house and there was a scale.  I don't own a scale and refuse to get one at home, yet, I was still curious to see how much weight I had lost since my last weigh-in.  I was now down to 283.  So around 13 pounds lost since September 13 (nearly four weeks earlier).  My initial reaction to the reading on the scale was "Is that all?!?" and I was a bit dumbfounded and very disappointed.  Then, I started to do all sorts of maths in my head and I perked up again by trying to reason myself.  I can't lose 30 pounds each month, it would be unrealistic and unhealthy.  I had started to eat more "normally" again after being on a liquid diet with tiny portions for a month now.  So of course my weight loss would diminish.  Now, I'm at the point where I want my surgeon's opinion.  I'm seeing him for my second follow-up on Monday and I'm sure he'll weigh me.  I'm very curious to know where I'm at now and what he'll have to say about it.  Of course, I'll keep you posted.

Other things that have been happening to me:  my tastes are starting to change a bit I think.  And the reason behind that would be that I can't eat the same things anymore because they're making me feel a bit sick.  I'm guessing this is the infamous dumping syndrome.  And since I know I'm going to feel queasy if I eat these foods, I'm more hesitant to eat them.  I don't think I ever had a full fledged episode of dumping syndrome but the tiniest bit of it that I felt was more than enough to be very aversive, believe you me!!  As for my eating habits, I can eat pretty much anything but I think that foods high in sugar/starch or other carbohydrates tend to make me feel a bit sick.  So far, I've tried rice, couscous, pasta and bread and the only one that I was able to tolerate was pasta.  The worst one was rice and bread also tend to be more difficult.  Anyhow, my cravings have more to do with fresh fruits and vegetables and protein.  So for dinner, we always have some type of protein (fish, chicken, cheese, etc.), a vegetable and a carb and more often than not, I eat the protein, the vegetable but leave the carb.

One month already

Yup, one month ago today, I was going under the knife for my gastric bypass.  Let me tell you, I'm thrilled I decided to have the surgery.  I do realize that my opinion would probably be different if I had had some complications but so far, so good, I only had one very minor problem (one of my wound had a small infection that went away within three days). 

I lose weight at a steady pace although I can only guesstimate since I don't own a scale and I don't plan on getting one, I fell lighter, I have more energy, I'm already less restricted by my fat, I had to have clothes altered because they were too big and yesterday, I went to do a bit of shopping and I was able to try on XL tops.  Not 1X or 2X or 3X but XL.  I was thrilled!  I also notice a difference when I touch myself, I feel deflated.  And I also see a difference when I look in the mirror.  I continue to walk at least 30 minutes almost everyday so I guess that helps with losing weight especially since I don't eat very much.  I still have trouble eating everything I should be eating.  I had a few episodes of minor dumping syndrome and let me assure you that even though they were very mild episodes, I felt just awful.  Very unpleasant feeling of mild nausea, stomach cramps, dizziness and fatigue.  To me, it's very aversive and should help in keeping me on track regarding what I should and shouldn't eat.  I must confess that I'm kind of happy to have that... 

My BF keeps telling me how tiny I feel to him when he holds me.  He's so supportive and encouraging.  He's just been amazing!  So has almost everyone I know.  My family, my BF's family, my friends, my colleagues, supervisors, advisor, etc. have all been tremendous throughout all of this.  I think it helped me a great deal to know and feel I have everyone supporting me.

If you ever decide to have this type of surgery, I sincerely hope you can count on a similar support system!

My first scare

Last night, I had my first small though real scare following my surgery.  I sat down for dinner with my BF, took a bite (I was eating salmon with sorrel sauce and couscous), swallowed and got it down but it's as if the bite didn't really go through as I felt a tightness in my small stomach.  It was not the first time that I felt that tightness but it was the first time that the tightness didn't go away within 5 minutes.  In fact, the tightness didn't go away for maybe 45 minutes.  Naturally, I stopped eating, I couldn't take another bite anyway, and I felt so uncomfortable that I had to go for a walk around the block to try and get rid of the discomfort I felt in my stomach.  I was producing massive amounts of saliva.  I think my body was trying to lubricate my oesophagus so the food would pass and since my stomach was blocked (at least I think), the saliva was just accumulating and giving me nausea so I threw up a couple of times (no food, just mucus) while I was walking.  I finally got back home after walking for maybe 10-15 minutes, the tightness was still there, threw up mucus one more time and the tightness was gone.  Yeah!!  I felt such a relief.  Even though I knew that the food would logically eventually pass through my digestive system, I was a bit worried.  And to feel the discomfort of the tightness go away was a relief in and of itself.  After that, I was worried about eating even though I felt hungry, after all, I had just had one bite for dinner.  Still, I waited a couple of hours and finally ate one piece of cheese and one small tapioca pudding.  They both went down easily.  This morning, I still didn't have breakfast and I have to admit that I'm still a bit worried about the food going down but I know I have to eat so that's what I'm going to do now.  Hopefully, it will be ok.

First post-op appointment

My first post-op follow-up appointment was today.  The nurse took out the clips or staples that were used as sutures (it didn't really hurt except for the ones near the breasts on the breast bone, those hurt somewhat but not terribly).  My wounds are healing well and it's actually a big relief to not have the clips anymore because they were bothering me (itching, pulling a bit).  The liquid diet is finished!  Yes!!!  I'm so happy to be done with that.  I'm now on pureed food for the next three weeks and if all goes well (i.e. if I can tolerate the texture and quantity), I can go back to eating normally by the end of those three weeks.  As for the weight loss...  I lost at least 34 pounds!!  I thought I had lost weight and was hoping for between 20 and 30 pounds but I must say that 34 pounds surpass all my expectations.  Actually, this morning, I was going back to work/school and I had planned on wearing a pair of black 3/4 palazzo-pants that I really like.  I put them on and had to take them off because they didn't fit anymore.  They were really too big for me to even think about wearing them.  Hurray!!  Me very-very happy!

My obsession

I'm completely obsessed by food.  That's pretty much all I think about day and night.  It's been almost four weeks now that I've been on a liquid diet and I'm sick and tired of it!  I have my first post-op follow-up appointment with the nurse and nutritionist on Monday and I'm desperately hoping that they'll tell me that I can incorporate eggs and tuna into my diet.  Those are among the foods that I crave the most.  In addition to fresh fruits and vegetables.  But I know I still have a few weeks to go before I'm "allowed" to eat those.  So yeah, I always loved to eat and to cook but I was never this obsessed by food before.  I guess it's because I'm extremely limited in the choice of foods I can eat and I'm hopeful that my obsession will fade a bit once I can go back to a more varied diet.  I know that I'll be forever limited in the amount of food I can ingest but I'm totally ok with that.  I really think it's the fact that I'm only allowed liquids that's starting to be a huge drag.  Thankfully, I only have two days and a half left. 

Still, my obsession has an upside and I decided to put it to good use.  I'm planning to put up recipes for things I cook and like that I think are appropriate for gastric bypass and/or lap band surgery people (so low fat, low sugar, high protein).  The first one I'm going to put up shortly is for tuna cakes.  Yum!

Otherwise, all is good.  I've been cooking a lot and going for walks with my dog and my BF.  I'm feeling super good.  I'm starting work/school on Monday.  I have mixed feelings regarding that; on one side, I'm dreading it but at the same time, I'm looking forward to going back to a vague routine and to have other things on my mind than my health and food. 

What's going on

This is my 9th day post-op.  My condition continues to improve on a daily basis.  I have to say that I'm feeling much better since I started walking approx. 30 minutes/day.  And I suppose it doesn't hurt that last night, and for the third night in a row, I had a good night sleep which is simply just awesome after 6 days of light and interrupted sleep.  Yesterday was also the first day that I was able to consume everything on my menu.  I did have to make a conscious effort to eat my three meals + three snacks but I felt relatively hungry so it wasn't such a hassle.  I also took my car for the first time and it went very well.  It actually felt good to get out of the house and do something.  I shopped for and cooked a huge bolognese sauce.  I even tasted it but just to be on the safe side, I spat it out.  I can't wait to be over with the liquid diet!  I'm so craving texture!!  And meat!!  Especially since The Food Network is basically on all day long in my house.  That'll entice a few cravings...  However, I'm still adhering quite strictly to the menu my surgeon gave me.  Breakfast is the hardest because I really don't enjoy eating my cold or warm cereal.  I'm more of an egg for breakfast kind of gal.   

My days are spent in a relatively relaxed mood, going for small leisurely strolls around the neighbourhood with my dog, watching cooking shows, reading a bit and looking at myself in the mirror to check if I look like I lost weight.  By the way, my conclusion is yes, I do think my face is thinner.  My cheeks seem to be losing a bit of their plumpness.  Yeah baby!  My clothes are a bit looser too.  Me very-very happy!

And now, to complain a bit...  I'm getting a bit tired of everyone calling me every single day to see how I'm doing.  My BF told me I'm being kind of a sourpuss because people want to know how I'm doing out of love, care, worry, etc.  And I know that.  It's just that I'm not big about talking on the phone for starters and I feel like I'm always repeating the same thing over and over and over to everyone.  Also, a few people out of my circle of close friends and family have wanted to pop by to see me.  I feel like an attraction at a freak show when I hear that.  If you didn't come over to see me before I had the surgery, why do you need to come over and see me now?  Am I acting like a diva?

One week anniversary

One week ago today, I had my gastric bypass surgery. I'm now feeling much better. Last night was actually my first truly good night of sleep since having the surgery. My appetite is a bit better and I'm now able to eat almost everything I have on my daily menu. I'm being very good; eating slowly, drinking small sips of water throughout the day, walking and doing as much as I can (and this really does help a lot!). I must say that I'm looking forward to being able to incorporate solid foods to my menu because I have now been on a liquid diet for three weeks and I'm craving texture, chewing, consistency! 

I must say that given that I didn't have any complications as of today (knock on wood!), I'm very happy with my decision to have the surgery.  It's like I feel that I now have a very real and helpful tool, if not a very faithful and dependable ally, to help me in my quest to lose weight and keep it off whereas before, I mostly felt like my efforts were always insufficient if not altogether useless.  I truly believe that having the surgery is only part of the solution though.  I know I still have to make an effort towards my ultimate goal of being comfortable in my own body but I now feel equipped to do so.  It's like before the surgery, losing weight was like climbing Everest without oxygen: doable although very few have succeeded and a lot have either died trying or had to give up.  Now with the surgery, it's like someone gave me oxygen.  It's still going to be hard because I still have to climb the mountain and have a lot of obstacles ahead of me but instead of it being nearly impossible, the level of difficulty has decrease from 100% to maybe 50% to make it attainable.  I don't actually know how difficult it's going to be and was throwing random numbers at you there but I certainly expect that it will require constant efforts on my part and that it will be difficult. 

If you are considering having weight loss surgery and expect it to be the answer to all your prayers and that you'll lose the weight without putting so much as an effort once in a while, I think you'll be very disappointed.

I do hope that my condition will continue to improve as it has for the past few days, that my current mind set will be long lived and that I'll feel this motivated to adhere to the 10 golden rules that my surgeon gave me to help make the surgery a success but at the same time, I feel prepared for the many curve balls that lay ahead of me.  Watch me knock'em out of the park!!

Having doubts

On the eve of my surgery, my BF and I were both quite stressed out and emotional.  At one point, I remember going to the bathroom and asking myself why am I doing this exactly?  In all honesty, I think we would call that having doubts.  Now, what was my answer to this very important question?  That, I knew for sure.

My two main motivations to get the surgery were: physical comfort and health.  At over 300 pounds for my frame, I was extremely uncomfortable physically.  I had trouble bending down to tie my shoes or even to put socks on, I became very quickly out of breath while not doing very strenuous activities, I was always hot and sweating profusely, climbing even just a few stairs or a small hill was exerting, and I could go on and on and on and on and on...  This motivation was very immediate, present, prominent as I was suffering in the present.  As for my health, I'm one of the lucky ones.  I had not health problem whatsoever.  I did have occasional mild joint pain but that didn't really keep me from doing anything.  But being wise and all, I knew that I wasn't going to stay this lucky forever and that sooner than later, the health problems would come.  This was a good motivation but not a very powerful or driving one as it didn't really affect me in the present.  But when I found myself in the bathroom doubting my decision to have the surgery the next morning, my answer was ready.

And so as soon as the question popped into my head, I shot back with my most immediate motivation: because I'm unbearably physically uncomfortable.  And then a little nagging voice asked me whether or not I could live with that for the rest of my life.  And given my fairly high anxiety level at that moment, my answer was yes.  In all honesty, I could actually put up with the discomfort for the rest of my life.  That answer actually scared me because this was my main motivation for the surgery.  So what now?  Do I tell my BF that I changed my mind and we lose the 4000$ deposit?  So then another little nagging voice crept in saying what about your health.  Oh yeah, my other, more distant motivation.  And that's when I knew for absolute sure that this was the best decision for me.  I knew that my health would almost certainly be affected by my obesity eventually and that, I couldn't live with.  I couldn't take the chance and wait just in case and decide to have the surgery if and when health problems developed because then, the risks associated with the surgery would be even greater, whereas right now, the doctor told me that I'm the ideal candidate for this surgery because of my weight, health and age.

And so, even though I was scared shitless, I chose to go ahead with the surgery.

My new bypassed self

I had gastric bypass surgery 6 days ago.  The surgery went very well and I'm now recovering and basically driving myself crazy.  The surgery was done by laparoscopy, which means that instead of cutting one big incision on my belly and digging in, the surgeon cut 5 small holes and went in with a camera and surgical tools to do the procedure.  It's less invasive so it reduces the risks associated with surgery.  As of today, I'm having a bit of pain but it's very tolerable, I don't even take Tylenol. 

As for my appetite, well so far, the surgery worked because I'm having trouble eating everything I'm supposed to, which is very little to begin with.  For the first two weeks after surgery, I'm suppose to be on a liquid diet, all types of liquid as long as the consistency is smooth with not chunks, lumps, etc.  And this is what I'm supposed to be eating. 

Breakfast: 1/4 cup of cream of wheat or pablum + 1/4 cup of milk
Morning snack: 1/2 cup protein shake
Lunch: 1/4 cup creamed soup (asparagus, spinach, tomato, etc.) + 1/4 cup of pureed fruit
Afternoon snack: 1/2 cup protein shake
Dinner: 1/4 cup creamed soup (asparagus, spinach, tomato, etc.) + 1/4 cup of pureed fruit
Night snack: 1/2 cup yogurt.

So not much but still, I can't manage to eat everything.  I'm supposed to eat very slowly and to stop as soon as I'm full and not once was I able to eat everything on my menu.  This is normal.  I haven't lost the desire to eat though and I've come to realize that my new porn is The Food Network.  I watch cooking show after cooking show and I salivate but it doesn't make me want to eat.  And that's when the "making myself crazy" bit I mentioned earlier comes in. 

I'm pretty much terrified that my new stomach will explode.  Last night, I took too big a sip of water and it hurt a bit but I was afraid I might have burst my stomach by doing so.  There are risks of leaks following surgery, although my surgeon assured me that I should not really worry about that if I follow the menu guidelines, but still, I'm on the look out for any signs; so I take my temperature 73 times a day and I check my pulse about as often.  I'm very aware or any pain I might have in my belly, back and left shoulder as they can be signs of a leak.  I'm also afraid of thrombosis, which is a blood clot that could develop in my legs and/or abdomen and could lead to a stroke or pulmonary embolism and finally stricture (the stomach healing too aggressively and basically closing itself up).  Those are all real risks with this type of surgery and/or any surgeries in general but they are not very frequent and I do realize that I'm being hypervigilant/paranoid and that I should just let it go and if something happen, then it'll happen whether or not I'm monitoring every possible signs of something going wrong.  As  you can see, the surgery removed most of my stomach but didn't put a dent in my tendency to be over anxious...

The 2-weeks Optifast diet I had to go through previous to surgery was pure hell!!  I was so hungry and had gigantic cravings for anything that wasn't sweet tasting.  I was fantasizing about tomato juice, veggies and dip, steak, pizza, pasta, cheese, etc.  I was actually having dreams about eating.  At one point, I even decided to check the scientific literature to make sure that I wasn't going through this for no good reason and unfortunately (or should I say fortunately?!?), I wasn't.  The articles I skimmed through seemed to suggest that this pre-surgery regimen does do the body good and significantly reduces the risks associated with the surgery.  Apparently, it's the very low calorie diet (VLCD) that does its magic by reducing the fat content and size of the liver.  So I stuck with it although I must admit that I cheated once.  I had a slice of pizza when I was four days in.  Then after, I was so worried that this would screw everything up and make it impossible for me to have the surgery that it became easier to follow the diet very strictly.  Ok, I did check the seasoning by tasting a bit of the cream soups and veggie purees I made myself but it was so little and it was mostly just veggies so I figured that I was staying true to the spirit of the VLCD so that wasn't cheating.

What I came to realize during those 2 weeks prior to surgery was that given the choice, after being on the Optifast for a few days, I wouldn't have necessarily opted for very fattening food if I could have eaten.  I would have been plenty happy to have grilled salmon with asparagus and rice or a very plain but fresh tuna salad.  Of course, if you had presented me with fried stuff with cheese, I wouldn't have said no.  Still, the realization that variety was actually what I was craving the most during those 2 weeks was very surprising yet satisfying to me.  I want to remind myself of that as often as I can.

When the night before surgery finally came (oh was it a looooooooooooooooong two weeks), my BF and I were very emotional.  I even wrote him a letter just in case to tell him how much I love him.  I told him this after and he wasn't very enthusiastic about my idea...  We both cried while cuddling in bed late.  Needless to say that we were both worried about what could happen.  I was actually scared for myself but mostly for him because I knew that if something had happened to me during surgery, he would have taken it pretty hard.  And apparently, all the time I was in surgery, he was very scared he would never see me and when I got back to my room and he saw me with the i.v. and the oxygen, his heart sank.  But for now, all is good!  I must admit that on the day of the surgery, being true to my stubborn self, I didn't ask for pain medication even though I was in pain and at one point, during the night when I couldn't sleep because of the pain and because I thought I was having a heart attack, I did regret having the surgery.  But then, the nurses convinced me to take pain medication and I felt much better.  I didn't want to take the pain medication because I thought it would make me groggy and prevent me from walking around.  Instead, it was the pain that was preventing me from walking around.  And they say that I'm an intelligent girl!

For people who don't want to read about poop, I would suggest skipping right away to the next paragraph because I'm about to become intimate!  Day of surgery was Tuesday, August 31.  First time I pooped after surgery was at 1:00 am on Saturday, September 4.  So Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, that's FOUR DAYS without pooping!!!  My tummy hurt so much, I felt super bloated.  I'm usually pretty regular in this area, very often going twice a day so you can imagine how I was feeling after FOUR DAYS!!  Finally, I called my surgeon's office and the incredibly nice and helpful MB, my doctor's administrative assistant who had weight loss surgery herself (lap-band) told me what to do: 2 tea spoons of Benefiber in the morning + 2 teaspoons of Benefiber in the afternoon + warm prune juice at night and it worked!!!  I'm still feeling a bit bloated and she recommended that I walk as much as I can to help with that, which I did and it does seem to help, but given that my surgery was less than a week ago, I should give time for my body/stomach/digestive system to heal and come back to "normal". 

So now, in all honesty, do I have any regrets?  Not really.  Sometimes, I catch myself having regrets over not being able to eat certain things anymore but these thoughts aren't exactly accurate because in fact, I could very well still be able to eat anything and everything once my new stomach has healed.  And then the regrets disappear as they are premature and unjustified thus far.  However, I did recently realize that I will miss gulping down a tall glass of fresh water when I'm thirsty.  I used to be able to go through a 500 ml of water at once.  Those days are gone!  Now, it's small sips of water throughout the day.  My water bottle has become an extension of my hand.

And finally, as for weight loss, I don't own a scale and I don't plan on getting one so I have to guess and if my clothes are correct, I did lose weight.  How much, I don't know.  I have my first follow-up appointment at my surgeon's office on September 13, they'll weigh me then and I'll tell you.

Bye for now!

Update (and what an update it is!)

It's been a long time since I wrote here.  Last time, I wrote that I was considering having weight loss surgery and I was waiting for an appointment with the surgeon.  Well, I'm no longer waiting or considering.  I had my appointment with the surgeon and I decided to go ahead with the surgery.  I chose to have gastric bypass surgery because I consider it the safest and most efficacious option short and long term.  With a gastric bypass, the surgeon creates a small pouch by cutting the stomach.  This new pouch will become my new stomach and since it contains 10 to 30 ml (1–2 tbsp) or approximately the size of a thumb, it will limit greatly the amount of food that I'll be able to ingest in addition to diminishing the absorption of food.  Hence, nutritional deficiencies are a side-effects of the surgery and I'll need to take supplements for the rest of my life.  For more detailed and scientific information on gastric bypass and other weight loss surgical procedures, please see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gastric_bypass_surgery and http://www.weightlosssurgery.ca/. 

This is a very personal decision and one that should not be taken lightly as there are several risks and side effects associated with this type of surgery.  If you are considering having weight loss surgery, I strongly recommend that you talk to a good doctor and read a lot on the subject in order to make the best decision for you.

My surgery will be on August 31st, so exactly two weeks from today.  I don't know if this is standard but starting today and up until the surgery, I was instructed by my surgeon to follow a liquid diet, Optifast, in order to reduce the size of my liver for surgery.  I started the diet today and it is going to be hell to follow that for the next 2 weeks.  I'm only allowed 4 Optifast shakes per day + water.  That's it!  Fortunately, the shakes don't taste too bad, kinda like uncooked vanilla cake batter.  Nevertheless, I know I'm going to starve and go crazy!!  I do apologize in advance to anyone I may come in contact with in the next two weeks as I'm guessing that I'll be in a pretty foul mood.  Apparently, this is the hardest part of the whole process.  We'll see and I'll try to keep you updated on the whole shebang.

Today, the fact that I won't be able to eat the way I used to hit me.  I guess it's because of this liquid diet thing and not being able to eat as usual.  Given that eating was more to me than just the absorption of nutrients in order to stay alive, I'm kind of forced to face these things.  First of all, eating is a pleasure for me, which is totally fine.  To my knowledge, there's not a word in English to describe someone who relishes in the pleasures of food and eating.  At least, there's no non-pejorative word like we have in French.  In French, we have "gourmandise" and being "gourmand", which is a lot nicer than the English equivalent of gluttony and being a glutton.  So I'm "gourmande".  I love to eat and to cook.  But I must admit that on top of that, I use food as many other things: soothing, distraction, avoiding, etc...  So not having my go-to fix will be an interesting challenge. 

Until next time...

And then...

First, let me update you on my new decade's resolutions.

• Quit smoking pot: Going very well.  As there is no more pot in the house, I haven't smoked since I decided to stop.  I still crave it though, sometimes.  But I can live with that.
• Training: Doing fairly well.  Most weeks, I train 3 times a week, still taking private boxing lessons and doing the elliptical.  I hurt my back a couple of weeks ago so I skipped two weeks, which is ok, and I skipped maybe once or twice because I felt tired.  But more often than not, I do as I said I would so I could almost tell you that I'm proud of myself but God forbid!!!
• Thesis: Not going as well as it could.  I tend to procrastinate, do a million of trivial things, do a bit of work and procrastinate some more.  Will try to improve on that.

All right now.  I have more or less given up on the idea that I could or would be able to lose weight on my own.  So I'm thinking of having bariatric or weight loss surgery, lap band surgery to be more precise.  This is a procedure where they place a band around your stomach to reduce the size, hence limiting the amount of food you can ingest at once (to read more about bariatric surgery, and lap band surgery: http://www.weightlosssurgery.ca/.  In Canada, the waiting lists for these surgeries are monstrous so I would have to pay for the surgery and go to a private clinic.  It costs around 20 000$-25 000$ for the whole procedure and there are no waiting list technically.  I submitted my "application" and I'm waiting to get an appointment with the surgeon.  I suppose I should hear from them within a couple of days and I'm fairly anxious about it.  I have tons of questions before I make up my mind for sure.  For example, is the procedure reversible (what if they find a miracle cure like a pill or something in two years)?  What amount of weight should I expect to lose?  Will I be able eventually to eat the food that I like or will I have to stay away from certain food?  What if I eat too much, will I die? Will my stomach bursts?  Etc., etc...  I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go ahead with it, unless the risks are overwhelming compared to the advantages, which I highly doubt. 

That's pretty much it for now.  Until next time...

Me aka Rocky

So I went to my first boxing lesson. I loved it! My trainer told me I think too much. And guess what? He's absolutely right! Yessir. I'd like to think I don't but fact of the matter is, I care way too much about what other people think. I may pretend I don't but I do. And my goal for this year is to go about my life despite what other people think. That's partly why I started this blog. I also want a huge book + movie deal out of this... If that girl with the blog where she tells how she did all the recipes in Julia Child's cookbook can get a book and movie deal, I figure I can too. My life is somewhat as interesting as hers (I read her book so I can tell), I have things to say, wisdom to impart on my readers. By the way, do I have readers?

Anyway... I started this blog to chronicle my new decade's resolutions. And they are:

1) To start training again
2) To stop smoking pot
3) To work on my fuc*&?!% thesis
And why do I want to do all these things may you ask. I want to start training again to get in shape for an upcoming trip to Thailand I have planned with my boyfriend, his dad and his wife (the dad's wife, not my boyfriend's). I'm so out of shape, it's scary. I'm not supposed to do this to lose weight but quite frankly, I can't help but hope I do... But honestly, I'm mostly motivated by the trip because right now, I get out of breath just walking up a few stairs, I have trouble tying my shoes. I feel fat and very uncomfortable in my own skin and body. And it's not only a matter of physical appearance, it's mostly a matter of being physically uncomfortable with all these extra layers of fat. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. Gain a few hundred pounds and you'll understand how I feel!! But please don't. Gain a hundred pounds I mean. I would only wish this to a few people I really don't like.
As for the pot smoking thing, I want to stop because it's become really bad for me. I felt addicted. I notice that I'm using the present and past tenses to talk about this subject. And it's mostly the way I feel about it. I haven't smoked in a couple of weeks but I still feel hooked. I loved the way I felt when I was stoned. Like I was on top of the world and up to any challenge. But I realize that I was basically self-medicating and that I was stuck in a vicious circle where the pot made me feel like crap when I wasn't stone but I needed the pot to make me feel better temporarily. So there is no longer pot in the house and so I don't smoke pot anymore. I'm not saying I'll never smoke pot again in my life but for now, it's better for me that I stay away from it.
And finally, the thesis, well, if I don't work on my thesis, I'll never finish it and I so want to finish it asap because I'm sick of it!

Since I'm studying to become a psychologist, you'll see I'm not doing things halfway. Not only did I take new decade's resolutions but I operationalized the whole thing to improve my chances of success. I plan on doing some form of cardio 3 to 4 times a week either on the elliptical or by taking private boxing lessons and I'm doing strength training as well. And I need to work on my thesis Thursdays and Fridays.

So far, I've stuck to my training schedule pretty rigorously, I stopped smoking pot but the thesis part is not going as well. But it's at least a start! Also, I decided to take another resolution: I will act despite my pride and what other people might think.

That's all I have to say for today. I'll try to write as often as possible or at least when I have something to share.