Having doubts

On the eve of my surgery, my BF and I were both quite stressed out and emotional.  At one point, I remember going to the bathroom and asking myself why am I doing this exactly?  In all honesty, I think we would call that having doubts.  Now, what was my answer to this very important question?  That, I knew for sure.

My two main motivations to get the surgery were: physical comfort and health.  At over 300 pounds for my frame, I was extremely uncomfortable physically.  I had trouble bending down to tie my shoes or even to put socks on, I became very quickly out of breath while not doing very strenuous activities, I was always hot and sweating profusely, climbing even just a few stairs or a small hill was exerting, and I could go on and on and on and on and on...  This motivation was very immediate, present, prominent as I was suffering in the present.  As for my health, I'm one of the lucky ones.  I had not health problem whatsoever.  I did have occasional mild joint pain but that didn't really keep me from doing anything.  But being wise and all, I knew that I wasn't going to stay this lucky forever and that sooner than later, the health problems would come.  This was a good motivation but not a very powerful or driving one as it didn't really affect me in the present.  But when I found myself in the bathroom doubting my decision to have the surgery the next morning, my answer was ready.

And so as soon as the question popped into my head, I shot back with my most immediate motivation: because I'm unbearably physically uncomfortable.  And then a little nagging voice asked me whether or not I could live with that for the rest of my life.  And given my fairly high anxiety level at that moment, my answer was yes.  In all honesty, I could actually put up with the discomfort for the rest of my life.  That answer actually scared me because this was my main motivation for the surgery.  So what now?  Do I tell my BF that I changed my mind and we lose the 4000$ deposit?  So then another little nagging voice crept in saying what about your health.  Oh yeah, my other, more distant motivation.  And that's when I knew for absolute sure that this was the best decision for me.  I knew that my health would almost certainly be affected by my obesity eventually and that, I couldn't live with.  I couldn't take the chance and wait just in case and decide to have the surgery if and when health problems developed because then, the risks associated with the surgery would be even greater, whereas right now, the doctor told me that I'm the ideal candidate for this surgery because of my weight, health and age.

And so, even though I was scared shitless, I chose to go ahead with the surgery.