The Fear

Maybe it's just me but once in a while (i.e. when I think about it), I get this fear that the surgery won't work for me.  That I'll end up just as big and miserable as I was before.  Is it just me?

Darn yet hurray!!

So I'm back on a diet liquid.  It started last Tuesday night (so 9 days ago) and I have to go until Monday (so I have 5 days left).  It's not fun but not as bad as the first time around because I'm not abiding to the liquid rule too strictly.  The purpose of me going back on this liquid diet is basically to give my stomach a rest and help decrease the inflammation.  It seems to work although this morning, I tried to eat scrambled eggs and it didn't suit very well with me.  Maybe eggs are part of the problem.  We'll have to wait and see.  But I'm 2 for 2 in the getting stuck department the last times I tried to eat eggs.  The scientist in me thinks it's not a sufficiently large sample to be really significant but I'm still seeing a trend and I'll pay attention.  So to that effect, my BF convinced me to keep a food diary.  I'm actually keeping two: one for when I get stuck and one for everything I eat and drink.  Otherwise, I'm still feeling great, even elated with myself, my life, my progress, my surgery, my weight loss, my body, etc.  Which brings me to the second thing I wanted to share here today.

Yesterday was a hard day.  Hard in the sense that I felt hungry and was craving all sorts of junk food all day.  And I caved.  I had three small candy bars.  You know, the small bite-size ones that we give out at Halloween.  I had two snickers and one Crispy Crunch.  I also had chips, again, the small container of Pringles (21 grams) that we give out at Halloween.  110 calories so not that bad.  But usually, I would feel guilty because this would feel like cheating.  And to be honest, I did feel a bit guilty but then I said to myself: To Hell with it.  Today, I'm craving these things and I'm going to eat them but given that in the past week-week and a half, I haven't craved these things,  I probably won't have the same cravings in the next few days and it's ok to give into them once in a while when I have them.  And the end result of this was that I felt at peace, relieved and proud of myself for being reasonable and not giving in to the panic, guilt, shame and blame that I would have usually felt before.  Dare I say that this is progress?

Oh. My. God.

So apparently, I could have a mild case of stomal stenosis or at least inflammation in my new small stomach or gastric pouch.  Earlier today, I called M., my surgeon's amazing secretary, because most often than not, when I eat, I feel like the food gets stuck and I eventually end up throwing up mucus because my body is secreting extra amount of saliva and mucus to try and help the food pass.  Since it's been happening more and more often, I decided to call her just to see if it was normal, and if not, what I should do.  To my utter surprise, she tells me that I should go back on a liquid diet for two weeks.  And here I was thinking that I was done with the liquid diet.  Oh well, my bad I guess.  I'm choosing to take this set back with humor and positivism - at least I'll be losing even more weight by going back on the liquid diet + I really think I'm lucky if that's the only complication I have.  To me, this is really a minor set back and I'm quite optimistic that the problem will go away with the two weeks liquid diet.

UPDATE:  After reading several personal account from people having had stomal stenosis, I'm pretty sure this is not what I have because the symptoms they're describing are really more severe than what I'm experiencing.  My own personal diagnosis: inflammation.  We'll see I guess.

Hiccups

This week has been a little bit harder.  First of all, I had trouble eating as I often felt "stuck" when I ate.  And second of all, I had cravings, to which I succumbed, for chips and chocolate.  I got mild dumping symptoms but nothing too bad or aversive, which scares me because I was hoping that I would dump if I strayed too much from what I should be eating and that would help me stay in line.  Oh well!  I guess I'll really have to deal with my food issues because I know for sure that I'm not craving or eating those things because of real hunger.  They're serving another purpose, avoiding, soothing?  I'm not sure but if dumping won't make me stay in line, I'll need to figure out what's going on and learn to deal with it in a different way.  I know taking a walk does help and a few weeks ago, I remember craving comfort food (mac 'n cheese would have been lovely that night coming home after a hard session with a client) but since I thought I couldn't have it, I started to really want to go and take a long walk.  So that's one thing I can fall back on.  But still, I can't just learn to cope with the aftermath of whatever's going on.  I want to understand what is making me feel like that.  Hey, I'm a Psychologist and I wouldn't be a very good one if I didn't want to go THERE...  To be continued!

Moving on...  I'm going to sign up for ballet classes.  For as long as I can remember, I've always been in awe of ballerinas.  I love their tutus and their gracefulness.  Watching So you think you can dance, this amazement has expanded to dancers in general.  I truly admire their dedication, their passion and their strenght and flexibility.  I'm also envious and bewildered about their innate ability to really BE in their body and to express themselves so clearly through it.  I want that and I'm going to try and get it.  I'm thinking about some kind of martial arts classes too.  Don't know which one yet, I'll have to look into that.